RECORD EXECUTIVES: "LEE DEWYZE IS POISED TO MAKE SHITTY MUSIC!"
With his extensive collection of flannel shirts, frat-boy date-rapey looks and ability to Nickelback the crap out of any song, American Idol contestant Lee Dewyze has several major label record executives salivating. "He's just what we've been looking for," said Gavin Caulksucker, talent scout for Sell-Out Records. "He's ready now to perform some horrible ballad written by committee that starts out really slow but then gets heavier allowing him to over-emote with those sandpaper vocals of his. I, for one, can't wait to slap an Ed Hardy shirt and a couple of earrings on him." Dewyze was unavailable for comment, as he is currently busy aww-shucks'in with his shoulders and his hands in his pockets.
SUDDEN MATERIALIZATION BY COORS LIGHT SILVER BULLET TRAIN KILLS 30
Disaster struck a crowded downtown Phoenix, AZ street yesterday afternoon when the Coors Light Silver Bullet Train suddenly appeared, killing thirty and sending dozens of injured pedestrians to intensive care. "It was terrible. Just terrible!," said Gina Tompson, who witnessed the whole thing from her break room window. "I can't hear that goddamn O'Jays song without crying." Police have taken Frank Rozanski, a 32-year-old painter, into custody after he drew a tunnel on the side of a building. "It gets really, really hot in Arizona," said Rozanski, clearly shaken. "I just wanted to give everyone something cool to drink. I guess I should have just bought a case of beer or something at the store. I never imagined I'd unleash this kind of horror."
FAMILY CIRCUS' BILLY ADDICTED TO GRAND THEFT AUTO
Lovable little quizzical scamp Billy, longtime child of beloved comic strip Family Circus, admitted in an exclusive interview to Comics Child BiWeekly that he can't get enough of the Playstation classic video game Grand Theft Auto. "Look, I might not look like I've gotten any older, but I have, ok? I'm like Benjamin Button, or the opposite of that Robin Williams guy Jack," said Billy. "GTA is fuckin' hilarious. I can steal shit, beat up hookers, whatever. It's SO much better than hanging out with that little shit P.J." Billy also told the publication that he can totally see the ghosts of his grandparents walking around the house, but disliked them when they were alive, so he never says anything.
KE$HA ASKS THAT ALL ESSES BE REPLACED WITH DOLLAR SIGNS
Pop savant Ke$ha has requested that the letter "S" be substituted with her beloved '$' in all future correspondence written to or about her. "It'$ my thing, ok?" said Ke$ha, sipping from a dangling rubber straw from a beer hat. "$o, if you want to a$k me $omething, you are going to have to ob$erve what I want, ok? $urely you under$stand that, unle$$ you are from Mi$$i$$ippi or $omething. $hee$h!" As of press time, her music still $uck$.
CHLOE O'BRIAN TO GET OWN SPIN-OFF
24's computer genius Chloe O'Brian isn't done yet--after the show wraps up its eighth and final season, she'll get her own daytime talk show, tentatively titled Harumph! with Chloe O'Brian. "Basically, I'll get to interview whomever I want, but most likely whatever they say will irritate me," said O'Brian, furrowing her brow and crossing her arms. "Then I'll go behind their backs if I need to, 'cuz everybody is just an idiot. I mean, gosh!" The show will also include a segment in which Jack Bauer will call in and test her loyalty.
ALIENS TO STEPHEN HAWKING: "CHILL THE FUCK OUT!"
After genius physicist Stephen Hawking released a statement warning of the dangers of communication with extraterrestrial lifeforces, Refelfluxigravelflux, spokesman for the planet Radon 5, countered with a message of their own. "Yo, Hawks, overreacting a bit much, aren't we?" said Refelfluxigravelflux. "That's a load of Graffelbarg crap, and you know it. We don't want your shitty little blue planet, we've got problems of our own. Everyone here is obsessed with Bustin Jieber, who makes music that sounds not unlike that of your Justin Bieber. It's fucking up our Rettiwt feeds, constantly trending. So relax." Refelfluxigravelflux did promise, however, that if his race was to visit our planet, they would "explore the shit out of our anuses."
CHRISTIAN BALE'S HOUSE IS METHOD
Bale, star of the Batman reboots and Terminator Salvation, moved into a new home last week, which he describes as "super serious." "Look, it's the truest, most authentic house there is," said Bale, scowling into a mirror. "I don't let it open its doors unless it feels it. Ditto on the windows." Bale recently sold his Beverly Hills mansion after a disagreement. "I loved you, house, once, but you and me, home, we're done, professionally," he told it, storming out for the last time.
SHAKIRA'S HIPS CAUGHT IN LIE
Super hot singer Shakira's hips may face jail time after lying under oath on the witness stand yesterday in a Los Angeles county courthouse. Details on the case are not being disclosed at this time, but it is believed that her pelvis is a witness in a crime involving stolen booty.
AREA MAN FORCED TO KICK OWN ASS AFTER REFERENCING FAMILY GUY
23-year-old Forrest Landingham gave himself a good beating outside a Kalamazoo, MI bar Monday night after asking his buddies if "they had seen that one episode of Family Guy." "I couldn't believe the words were coming out of my own mouth," said Landingham, "We were talking about, I dunno, Richard Simmons or something, and it reminded me of this one thing that Stewie said, and before I knew it, I was referencing it, and I swear to God, you could hear a record needle scratch sound and everyone stopped talking in the bar. Before anybody else could do it, I took myself outside and slapped me around." Landingham swears he'll stop watching the show before he murders himself.
Tween sensation Justin Bieber taped an 11 x 17 Tiger Beat pull out of himself to his bedroom wall, then spent the afternoon laying on his bed and staring into his own eyes. "Man, I am so dreamy!," said Bieber, "I think I'll get some glitter markers tomorrow and adorn myself with hearts. Oh shit, I heart me so much!" Bieber's weekend plans include hoodie shopping and getting an androgynous haircut.