GERARD BUTLER TO STAR IN EVERY MOVIE FROM NOW ON
Continuing a trend in multiplexes as of late, soccer hooligan/actor Gerard Butler will, from now on, have a starring role in every movie produced, everywhere. "I'm really lookin' forward to being everywhere ya look, laddie!" said Butler, pounding a Guinness and punching some guy in the face. Butler has asked that every script include a role for him in which a smart, career-oriented gal gives up everything to be with him.
QUENTIN TARANTINO TO EXCITEDLY SUGGEST YOU WATCH A FUCKIN' OBSCURE MOVIE
Hyper film-director/indie video store clerk Quentin Tarantino is in talks to corner you and talk up some films no one has any interest in. "Awwww, man, it's fuckin' amazing," will say Tarantino, "It's this Italian blaxploitation/grindhouse/neo-noir western. It's four hours, but, man, you will not be disappointed. Oh, and it's only on BetaMax, and you have to import it from Brazil." Tarantino also plans to wave his arms a lot, and wear a Kangol cap.
SPENCER PRATT TO BUY CASE OF ED HARDY WINE
Because he would, right?
KRISTEN STEWART ACCIDENTALLY SMILES, RUINS IMAGE
Twilight's Bella Swan, Kristen Stewart, was spotted smiling on a roller coaster at Disney's California Adventure Thursday afternoon. Clearly embarrassed, Stewart tried to compensate while exiting the ride, frowning and shouting "This is BULLSHIT, man. Just tired, useless, BULLSHIT." Stewart apologized to her "fans" and promised to "keep a shitty attitude from now on."
SILVERLAKE HIPSTERS ALREADY HATE NEW MGMT ALBUM
With the release of the sophomore album from indie music darlings MGMT less than a month away, ironic-mustached silverlake hipsters are already "over" them. Says one: "MGMT? Whatever. I was into them, like, five years ago, when I saw them open for No Age and they hadn't recorded anything yet." The hipsters plan on getting into some new shoegaze meets noise band that wear bandannas, but will secretly listen to Michael McDonald in their cars.
JOHN GLENN TO AUDITION FOR SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
Jealous of fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin's selection for the ABC dance staple Dancing With the Stars, American hero John Glenn has announced plans to audition for Fox's reality competition So You Think You Can Dance. "Man, I've walked on the moon, but I've never been on the Hot Tamale Train!" said Glenn, practicing the infamous park bench contemporary routine by Mia Michaels. Glenn also plans to work out a routine with perennial auditioner Sex.
GIZMO TIRED OF LIVING IN A BOX
Gizmo, adorable star of the two successful horror-comedies Gremlins, has grown tired of his less-than-glamorous accommodations. "Me no happy. Me want to moooooove," said Gizmo, at a press conference last Wednesday. In a related story, Gizmo was killed that same afternoon by all the paparazzi flash bulbs.
NICK NOLTE EATS OWN HAND
Haggard actor Nick Nolte accidentally gnawed off his own right hand Tuesday night, when he was eating a double double from In-N-Out and watching television. "I, uh, I was watchin' Jeopardy, and I was caught up in the Broadway Potpourri category, and I looked down and, boy, was my face red," said Nolte, cutting a hole in the wall of his bedroom so he "didn't have to walk as far to get to the bathroom."
MR. PEANUT ADMITS MONOCLE IS UNNECESSARY
Salty Planters spokesman Mr. Peanut revealed in an exclusive TMZ interview Friday that his iconic eye wear is just cosmetic. "Look, I'm a walking, talking peanut. My whole get-up is weird. Planters dress me like I'm in some sort of Fosse musical. My vision is fine. For a peanut, that is," he said. He also admitted that he's been trying to earn a medical degree, and is a few years away from becoming Dr. Peanut.
LADY GAGA TO TRY WEARING BUSINESS CASUAL
Pop princess and notorious fashion trendsetter Lady Gaga is toying with wearing something "regular, you know, like a pant suit" when she guests on Leno next week. "I mean, I'm not gonna waste some cool, weird new outfit on Jay fuckin' Leno," said Gaga, sipping from a giant waterslide-shaped straw coming out of a Cookie-Monster headdress.
JUSTIN BIEBER IN CRITICAL CONDITION AFTER TRENDING NEARLY TO DEATH
Teen hearthrob/"musician" Justin Bieber is one lucky lil' moptop after just surviving a slew of @mentions and hashtags on abused social-what-are-you-doing website Twitter. "I like, logged on, to, you know, just like, see whazzup, you know, and like, 140 characters times a billion tumbled onto me," said Bieber, making a kissy face and posing for a non-existent camera. "If it wasn't for #hottubtimemachine, I'd be dead right now."
MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO WONDERS WHERE THE HELL SHE'S BEEN, TOO
Once-beloved actress Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, star of successful 90's fare like Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and The Abyss, posted a query on Google answers last Wednesday, asking "Hey, what have I been up to? Have I been in anything lately? Seriously!" Mastrantonio was surprised to discover that she'd done nine episodes of Without A Trace semi-recently, and vowed to be available "in case they ever do a sequel to The January Man."
*none of this is real, just fun. So relax, celebrities!